"Close the door"

💐In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful💐

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◉ I Closed the Door Myself. But My Heart Is Still Standing There ◉

There are some things that a person cannot express in front of anyone. Not because he does not have the words. But because he knows that once he starts speaking. He may not be able to stop his tears. There is a similar story in my life. A decision which I may have controlled myself while making. But even today when I think about it. Something inside my heart starts to break. Sometimes I think that if someone asks me what the hardest thing you have done in your life is. I will not name any great sacrifices. Nny failure or any difficult time. I will just say that I cut off contact with the person in my life. Whom I could never imagine losing.

He was not an ordinary person in my life. I had connected a lot with him from my small daily joys to my big dreams. If there was something good, I wanted to tell him if there was a problem. I would think of talking to him. Sometimes when the day was going well. Happiness did not feel complete without talking to him, and sometimes. When my heart was sad, his presence seemed enough. I probably did not even realize. How many habits of my life had been connected to that one person. I never thought that one day I would have to decide to live without him. I always had in mind how someone could. Who is so involved in my joys and sorrows be separated from my life? But life does not always go the way we think.

There came a time when I was faced with a situation. In which I had to prioritize one of my heart's desires. And the respect of my parents. For me this was not an ordinary decision. On one side was the person whom I wanted to keep dear in my life at all times. And on the other side were my parents, whose respect, love and feelings have always been important to me. I didn't want to hurt anyone. Not my parents not that person. But sometimes no matter how much you want to. You can't please everyone. Finally I had to take a step I never thought I would.

And then I cut off contact with him myself.

Here perhaps the most difficult part of my story begins. He didn't want to be away from me. He didn't want to end this relationship but I made this decision myself. Perhaps at that time, this was the only way for me to honor my parents. I explained my heart showed myself strong. And said what was probably breaking inside me. Do you know how difficult it is to let go of someone with whom your heart still wants to talk? Someone you want to tell every joy of yours but now you have no way to do so? Someone whose voice you are used to hearing. But you have chosen silence for yourself?

Something similar happened to me.

People might think that if I cut off contact, it's all over. Life will go on as usual I'll be busy with my life like everyone else. But the truth is, not talking to someone and forgetting them are not the same thing. Even today many of my memories begin with an end with that person. Sometimes when I remember somethingmy heart involuntarily goes towards him. Sometimes in a moment, I feel that I wish I could tell him all this. Sometimes there is such joy that my heart wants to share. But then I remember that now I have blocked that path myself.

The strangest thing is that I did not part ways with him out of anger. I did not develop any hatred for him in my heart. Nor did it happen that his importance decreased with time. I simply made a decision after which I had to live with my own feelings. Sometimes a question arises in my heart. Is it necessary for a person to be happy with a decision? Does every path that we take under compulsion feel right? Maybe not. Some decisions are made by a person but it is very difficult to live with them. I don’t know what direction this story of my life will take. I don’t want to make any claims about the future.

All I know is that that person’s place is still there in my memories. I closed that door to the world. But I couldn’t finish everything related to him in a single day. And maybe that’s why it’s not easy for me to gather words even while writing on this topic today. I never wanted a chapter in my life to come that I had to write the ending with my own hands. If I were asked if I closed that door and forgot everything? Then my answer would be:

No! I had cut off contact, not my memories. I had stopped talking to that person. Not feeling his importance. I had closed a door to the world. But my heart has not yet understood how to close it.

There are some doors in life that a person cannot close without peace. He just makes a decision in front of his responsibilities his loved ones and circumstances. Perhaps my story is like that. And if someone ever asks me what was left behind that closed door. I might not be able to say much. All I will say is that there was a part of my life left there that I never wanted to leave.

Some people do not leave our lives. We ourselves close the way to reach them. And then we stand in silence in front of that closed path for the rest of our lives.

Thank you for being with me.

@m-princess

@anasuleidy