It has always been like this

I had a kind of funny thing happen recently with a friend of mine. She's older than me, actually closer to my brother than to me, in the last 15+ years we met maybe only once, and that by chance, but we grew up together, and now, celebrating her 50th birthday, she called me to invite me to the party... on the other side of the country.

She called me unexpectedly. It's like someone had to warn me first that they are going to call me, that's the way I feel it now. 😅

But then again, maybe that's exactly how it should be when she calls me about something like this. She didn't pressure me completely into making a decision right then and there to tell her whether I was going or not. But we had to talk at length and I still had to explain to her, in a roundabout way and then in a direct way, that there was no way I could go to her party.

As I've told you before, the transport in the country is quite unregulated and as I saw on the map, to get to where she lives, I have to travel about 14 hours one way. To return, the next day, I have to do the same. In order to stay there for at least one day, or at least to celebrate in peace, I actually have to take a day off. As an acquaintance of mine said, nearly two years ago, when I had a problem even getting to the capital, and especially returning from there, the inconsistencies in public transport are intentional so that people are forced to drive, i.e. to buy petrol, i.e. for the state to profit from excise duty. On this occasion, do you know what the price of petrol and especially diesel is in Bulgaria, now that we continue to import fuel from Russia, and it doesn't pass through the closed strait - well, the prices are the same as in Western Europe and the prices of diesel alone have increased by 30 cents in just the last few weeks. So...

So, it's impossible to get from one side of the country to the other. She, this friend of mine, of course came up with some schemes - to arrive in some city, then her daughter would pick me up in her boyfriend's car from there, then we would travel the remaining 100 kilometers, maybe 200 together. Well, now that I'm writing this, I realize that I probably wouldn't have agreed to this option under other circumstances either, because traveling across the country is dangerous, life-threatening, and I especially wouldn't want to travel in the car of a person I don't know, for so many kilometers, under the threat of being hit by yet another idiot on the road, especially since I'm not aware of the driving skills of the person in whose car I'm riding.

According to statistics, only about 300 people have died in road accidents in the country so far this year, but often when you get in a car, it feels like you're in one of those electronic games from the past, you know - you're a car driver and you're constantly watching out for someone to hit you - all those freaks on the road in the real world who drive like crazy - but in the end, someone always hits you.

There are countless other favorable conditions for this too, such as terrible and unmaintained roads, lack of asphalt, large potholes, damaged, rusty and old guardrails, and what not.

But let's put that aside. There's another, more important reason why I don't want to go to that part of the country, and the last time I was there was exactly 6 years ago. And that's my relationship with my parents and with all my family members in general, and also because my brother, who I don't get along with at all, would also be at the party.

And I was honest with her. I think I owed it to her to be honest with her, giving her valid reasons for refusing to attend her anniversary, not just some transportation obstacles.

I was honest with her from an absolutely moral human point of view. And a few weeks later I realized how detrimental this human trait is - to be moral, honest, to treat people the way you want them to treat you... bullsh^t, there is no such reciprocity in relationships anywhere.

So, we had to talk at length. She learned from me things she had no idea about, in her words, family secrets, so to speak, or things that are whispered about but no one dares to speak openly, and yes, of course things that no one knows because they have been diligently hidden for decades, and others always presented only from one side of the point of view - not mine.

I thought she understood me then, that she understood why I couldn't go to her party, she started making plans on how to meet up in another way, how she would come to see me because she had a car and I didn't, that she would take me on a shopping trip to Turkey, which she regularly did with one of her children and her husband, that I would have to sleep in one room with her child... etc. etc.
You understand how I accepted these schemes, plans and new invitations, after the initial unexpected call. Yes, I accepted, half-heartedly, I said that maybe we could do it someday, but with the thought that it would never happen.

I repeatedly mentioned to her about my partner, who wasn't invited to her party, and in fact he is my means of transportation to anywhere, so without him I can't get anywhere. And when she mentioned once again that she would take me shopping in a foreign country outside the EU, together with her husband, who I remember as a big cheater from the past, and that I would have to sleep in the same room with her child, I mentioned my partner again and she finally said - "oh, okay, so we'll have to take him too." But here the topic of the trip to Turkey ended and that was actually what I was aiming for 😁

She said many other things, offered and promised many other things, which of course she did not fulfill. Like sending me a specific cream, which is produced in the pharmaceutical company where she works, for a specific skin condition that I have. It is not that I cannot buy it myself from the pharmacy, but she was: "But how are you going to buy it from the pharmacy, of course I will send it to you, you will not even bear the shipping costs. We have not seen each other for so many years..."

Yes, I suppose that is what friends who have not seen each other for so many years do. This anecdote even made me a little embarrassed after I told her that she had to send it at my expense. But guess whether she really sent me this cream - no, she did not send it in the end 😃

On the other hand, after the conversation, she wrote me several messages that she loved me, and that even though we had not had contact for so many years, she still loved me, that she wanted to talk more and hear each other on the phone more often, and a number of other things that were to some extent misunderstood by her in relation to everything I told her, etc.
I must tell you that when in life it happens that a relationship with a person is terminated, for one reason or another, this really has its reasons, and subsequent restoration of these relationships cannot lead to anything. And I say again, I have never been so close to her that I regret one thing or another, or try to restore relationships just yet.

And yet, all of this, this whole long conversation and subsequent messages, made me feel guilty. Later, she called me several times, it was during working hours or after working hours, but during the week, about which I had explicitly told her that I was "just a dead body" and did not have the energy even for meaningful conversations.

When I called her back, she assured me that in fact "there would be no problem with me going to her party" because she had already spoken to my brother, and I wondered why the whole discussion on this subject had to be started all over again now, when she told me that she was looking for someone to photograph her at the party and remembered that I had a camera.

Well, imagine that here, at this point of the conversation, I still felt guilty about everything. But I still pointed out to her that if we were talking about a camera, another friend of ours, who would also be at the party, had a more professional, expensive and high-quality camera than mine.

Earlier, I had already had a conversation with this friend of ours, who in this case was closer to me than to her, we had talked about what gift to get her for the party, because even though I didn't want to attend, I wanted to be involved in the gift, along with my brother and his wife, despite everything, etc.

Well, no one called me about the joint gift afterwards, the birthday girl didn't call me again either to confirm within the deadline she had given me whether I would go or not, I congratulated her on Facebook on her birthday, she sent me a heart. And after the day of the party, which was two days after her birthday, they published the photos.
My friend had indeed taken photos, I don't know if with a camera or a phone, I don't think that makes any difference when we're talking about people who don't have the aesthetic criteria for a well-made or quality photo anyway. The fact is that everyone was very happy with the photos taken. I saw her too, together with her partner in the photos, this was a topic that I'm interested in how it developed at all, since the birthday girl didn't even know that she had a partner, and my partner wasn't invited. Well, this one was 😃

My brother was there with his wife, whom no one knows well and doesn't like, and their two children, but inviting my brother to celebrations like this is a matter of reputation and prestige, and everyone accepts this necessary evil (not being able to be invited alone), for subsequent benefits in the future.

I can imagine what schemes are being made in the minds of all calculating people and I know very well that I am not invited, in this case my partner was not invited, and subsequently no one called me again because I have nothing to give. If there was potentially something I could give in the future to someone - like my brother, being a famous doctor, I would be invited everywhere. But do I even want to have such superficial and ostentatious relationships with people?

I should note that my relationships with many people were cut off when I found myself unemployed, even before that, when I was abroad, and people somehow realized that they could not profit from me and my situation, that I was not a person from whom they could extract dividends on some occasion and in some direction, or maybe just because compared to my brother's successes and connections, I am just nobody.

And when I read in a Steemian's post here that when he imagined that he might die, he called to see a friend to say goodbye, I was like: "Ok, I have no one to call and no one to say goodbye to.", When I was in a similar health situation last year.

My partner is the only person I have left in this world. He is the only person next to me in this whole calculating world.

Well, yes, as a person traumatized in childhood, I am ready to justify all this too - people here live a difficult life, even if they are successful in some areas, they have obstacles in others, so on a subconscious level they are looking for relationships with this or that person who will be useful to them, today or tomorrow, in one area or another. It has always been like this, hasn't it? 🤔

Thank you for your time! Copyright:	@soulsdetour
	Soul's Detour is a project started by me years ago when I had a blog about historical and not so popular tourist destinations in Eastern Belgium, West Germany and Luxembourg. Nowadays, this blog no longer exists, but I'm still here - passionate about architecture, art and mysteries and eager to share my discoveries and point of view with you.

Personally, I am a sensitive soul with a strong sense of justice.
Traveling and photography are my greatest passions.
Sounds trivial to you?
No, it's not trivial. Because I still love to travel to not so famous destinations.🗺️
Of course, the current situation does not allow me to do this, but I still find a way to satisfy my hunger for knowledge, new places, beauty and art.
Sometimes you can find the most amazing things even in the backyard of your house.😊🧐🧭|